A Gentleman’s Guide to Strip Club Etiquette

Certain cultures practice specific traditions to welcome young boys into adulthood. The rites of passage differ from one country to the next. The Jews have the Bar Mitzvah, some Africans tie the boy up to a tree until he’s writing in pain, and the Americans… Well, let’s just say that out of all the traditions, they have the most fun and the most colorful one to date.

There’s no pain, tattoo, and abstinence involved. In fact, it’s the exact opposite of all these. If every country followed the Americans with their tradition, then those little imps would be in a hurry to grow up. Yes, we’re talking about how the boys get to finally experience life and see the light by going to a strip joint. Yep, you read that right! Those boys get to feast on gyrating hips and bouncing breasts as they try to cheat their way through more bottles of alcohol. Parents might even be unaware of what their innocent young lad is doing at this very night. All they know is that their boy is safely tucked in bed after a long day completing a project over at his friend’s house. If they just knew the truth, mothers would come barging through the salon doors, spewing words such as “guilt” and “disgust,” while the fathers simply watch in amusement, thinking of the day when he pulled that very same stunt.

So, for all you boys… *ahem* men… entering the world of strip clubs, thongs, and Brazilian waxing, here are some rules to follow while the ladies are trying to push it, push it real good:

Rule 1: Avoid Sweatpants

Nothing says douchebag louder than a pair of sweatpants. You’re not part of the Jersey Shore cast, so don’t try to look like one. Else, you just might end up like the Situation. He thinks he’s all that but the girls actually scurry the other way the moment he walks through the doors. You should look like you’re a cut above the rest. Go for khakis instead. Jeans look fine, but they may chafe your boner or the girl’s crotch when she gives you a lap dance. Try to look neat and pristine as you get ready for the wild night ahead. Keep those bills neatly rolled, shirts tucked in perfectly, and hair tousled stylishly.

Rule 2: Relax

You know that this night is coming. If you want to look cool, include Frankie Goes to Hollywood in your playlist and listen to Relax over and over again. Don’t look like a stiff who doesn’t know which end is up. You’ll obviously look like a newbie and the women certainly don’t want to entertain an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s doing. A real man has his wits about him at all times. If you look tense, the girls might just assume that you’ll blow your load the moment they glance your way. And as you know, girls don’t want to get their clothes filthy with your gunk.

[tps_title]Rule 3: Don’t Act Like an Ass[/tps_title]

A gentleman’s club only welcomes visitors who befit the title. Never be rude to a dancer. This means that you don’t shout, curse, stand from your seat, and dance like a doofus. First of all, strip clubs need to follow certain guidelines that protect their dancers. If you’ve had one too many drinks, you just might make a fool of yourself. Instead of ending up face to face with a dancer, you just might find yourself landing face first on the sidewalk as the bouncers throw you out and ban you from the establishment for the rest of your life. In the end, you go home with blue balls the size of Texas and no one to help ease the pain.

[tps_title]Rule 4: Dancers Aren’t Prostitutes[/tps_title]

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She may dress like a common doxy and move like one, but she’s certainly not someone who plans to sleep with you. Unless, of course, if you end up in a really seedy joint. But you can bet that Uncle Phil won’t take you there the first time around. The shady places are meant to be discovered when you’ve become a pro and strip clubs. This means that you can feast all you want with your eyes, but keep your hands to yourself. The fingers only get busy once you get home and fantasize about Lola in her G-string.

[tps_title]Rule 5: Always Tip When You’re Seated in Front[/tps_title]

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Hey, how ‘bout a little greenery for the scenery? You’re seated in what the mavens call the erection section. If you don’t bring out the goods, then the goods will never come to you. Just think of a strip club as a rock concert. If you’re in the mosh pit, then you’re expected to rock with the best of them. Not only will you get more quality time when you stuff their panties with money, but you’ll look like a true winner indeed. Save up and get ready for tonight because it’s going to cost you. But we want to assure you that it’s worth every dime. And if you want to maximize the fun, bring smaller bills. You don’t want to stuff all your money in before the minute is up. Leave her wanting and hoping for more. If you waste all your cash quickly, you just might end up nursing that bottle of beer for the next 2 hours. And by then, the dancer has moved on to someone with cash to spare.

[tps_title]Rule 6: Don’t Bring Your Girlfriend[/tps_title]

A woman sticks out like a sore thumb if she’s in a strip joint. She’s the one with her arms crossed over her breasts and looking bored. She’ll only get pissed when you ogle at one dancer too long. In the end, you not only go home early, but you’ll lose a girlfriend in the process. Nothing spells buzz kill more than a scorned lady. Plus, none of the dancers will ever dare go near you, and you certainly can’t blame them for it because they’re only adhering to the strict girl code.

[tps_title]Rule 7: Avoid Sharp Accessories[/tps_title]

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If you’re a fan of The Big Bang Theory, then you know Howard Wolowitz. He wears the gaudiest belt buckles. If you have one of these, keep them inside your closet. In fact, keep all sharp accessories away from the club. If you need to stuff them in your glove compartment beforehand, go ahead and do so. The last thing you want to do is hurt the stripper or puncture her skin. She’s trying to make your night as memorable as possible by providing you with a boner-inducing lap dance, and this is no way to return the favor. Be nice to her and think about her precious skin. After all, this is her bread and butter.

[tps_title]Rule 8: Don’t Use Your Credit Card[/tps_title]

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Pay in cash AT ALL TIMES. For young boys, you may not have that magic plastic that swipes all your dreams your way. If you’re old enough to have a credit card, this is one surefire way to get caught. Your girlfriend or wife might see your billing statement the next month and question your nightly activities. Women turn to 007 once they suspect something about their men. So, get rid of evidence whenever possible and never incriminate yourself. This is one secret you should keep to yourself. Once your girl finds out, then you can definitely assume that this was your very last visit, at least for quite some time.

[tps_title]Rule 9: Ask Permission[/tps_title]

Dancers are the club’s main attraction as paintings are to a museum. You can enjoy them, but what happens when you try to touch that Mona Lisa painting? Da Vinci will surely roll over his grave when you do this. And, you’ll get kicked out of The Louvre. So, keep your hands to yourself. As we’ve said earlier, you’ll only look like an ass if you try to push the envelope. She’s already giving you a lap dance, what more do you want? The only time you’re allowed skin on skin contact is when you’re stuffing that one-dollar bill in her panties.

[tps_title]Rule 10: Don’t Buy Her a Drink[/tps_title]

You catch more fish with the right kind of bait. Right now, you’re the fisherman in a sea of beautiful, dancing angelfish. Sure, dancers like to have a drink or two, but what they’ll appreciate more is cold, hard cash. When someone comes to your table and spends time with you and your buds, tip her generously. She’ll soon go to her friends and tell them just how lavish you are. And one by one, the dancers visit your comfortable nook and hope for the same kind of luck. The other guys will start wondering what you have, but don’t tell them what your secret is. Leave them sulking in their own misery and envy.

If a country’s success is based on the kind of strip clubs it has, then America is certainly the land of milk and honey. Count yourself lucky because you’re a citizen of this raunchy yet exciting place. But more importantly, don’t tempt fate too much because you’ll be missing out on what men would like to think of as one of the seven wonders of the modern world.